Schmooze and be schmoozed

It was the blended family’s first test run, would we be the Brady Bunch or guests on Jerry Springer?

On Tuesday night I attended the drinks to celebrate the union of Harper Collins and ABC Books. Even the invitation characterised it as a marriage with a male and female hand. The event was in the Quay Grand, overlooking Sydney Harbour - immediately marking it as an important occasion worthy of pre-GFC excess. As an ABC author I was meant to sit on the bride’s side. On arriving I was greeted with an ‘Oh you’re Bruno Bouchet!’ - the publicist did a very convincing job of persuading me she knew who I was which immediately made me feel important.
‘Now who do you know in there?’ With a reflective glass wall between where we stood and the other guests, it was a hard question to answer.

Delivering the parcel
‘Belinda Bolliger!’ she answered for me, remember the ABC children’s publisher. I was handed over to an assistant, ‘Deliver him to Belinda!’
Duly delivered and issued with wine I found myself in an ABC children’s authors enclave. Every time I tried to speak to someone different, fresh deliveries of more ABC authors arrived for Belinda. Eventually I spoke to a non-author, but even she was from the ABC, running the shops. She got embarrassed on learning I was an author as she had no idea who I was. She recovered brilliantly by knowing my books. ‘Isn’t it funny, adult books are usually sold on the author but children’s are sold on the title?’ she said. She was right, even JK Rowling is sold on the title.

Seek out the marketers
I plunged off to find the most important people to impress - the Harper Collins marketing department and found Emmeline, the beautifully named publicist in charge of The Trouble with Sauce, along with her fellow publicists .This was much better - I was surrounded by the groom’s family. We were chatting pleasantly when the doors were closed from the outside. It was time for speeches and clearly no-one was to leave.

The Godfather moment
I wondered for a moment that a helicopter was about to appear outside the window and spray the room with bullets. That didn’t happen, instead the CEO of Harper Collins, Michael Moynahan spoke and did so really well. I was a bit pissed by this stage so I was ready to be seduced, but he was a great speaker that clearly loved publishing. Belinda had prepped me on this by saying ‘He’s wonderful, he actually loves books!’ - a sadly rare quality in a publishing CEO. Michael’s short and effective speech was followed by Mark Scott, Managing Director of ABC Board. Less inspiring, he span the right lines for the occasion but was also quick about it. Strangely the scion of the evil Murdoch empire spoke with greater non-commercial passion than the head of Australia’s most beloved public organisation.

Let the blending begin
After the speeches, the serious mingling started. Speeches are a wheat from the chaff moment at funcitons. People that are only there because they have to be, can leave with impunity. Those that actually want to be there, stay. I stayed, finding people who knew people I knew: sales managers, editors, marketing people. I even spoke to Michael the CEO until Mark Scott dragged him off for a heavy private discussion outside. It was happening, the two parties were talking, getting to know each other and becoming one extended family.

Grab the bag
As the room thinned out I decided it was time to leave, mainly because the goody bags for the authors might run out. I had been briefed by the publicists to secure a Little Ted bag, much better than the Jemima bag. Little Ted came with a Moleskin notebook, the perfect present for an author. However the most impressive thing in the bag was the Welcome to Harper Collins booklet for new authors. Sent to every author the first time they sign with Harper Collins it featured what happens in the whole publishing process: editing conventions; what mark up symbols to use; the design and layout of books. Miracle of miracles it even included a guide to reading royalty statements. Finally I might actually understand a royalty statement!

Two thumbs up
This is the first time I’ve ever received such a publication and it was a delight - a simple easy item that really made you feel welcome. It capped off an evening that could not have been better engineered to have me walking away thinking lovely things about Harper Collins. Of course, I reserve the right to curse, swear and bemoan the shameless treatment of authors further down the track, but so far so excellent. Consider me blended.