The ex got in touch - they’re throwing my stuff out!

It’s always a bit awkward when you hear from an EX, as I did last week. Hachette wrote to me. French Letters (B format) is soon to be out of print. Hachette are disposing of the remaining 140 copies. I can buy them at $2.30. It’s sad but better than what happened to Beauty of Truth which got pulped without anyone “realising” and without me having an opportunity to buy. Ironically Hachette only found out about the pulping when some stores tried to reorder, couldn’t and so contacted me to find out why. 

I feel OK about this but I am a little puzzled. My understanding of my last royalty statements suggests there were far more than 140 unsold copies of French Letters lying around the warehouse. I’ve asked politely for an explanation because it sounds like I sold more than I thought. That can’t possibly be right.

Hopefully it will shed some light on what the figures on a royalty statement actually mean. I can never work them out. All I ever seem to glean from them is that stock has been returned without stock being sent out to the extend that they have more returns than they printed in the first place.

Kids say the darnedest things

Children’s Book Week spilled over into this week as I crammed school visits in and skirted very close to several book parades where the children dress up as characters from books. For 90% of the kids this means a Disney Princess or Spiderman, but with any luck one school may have ended up with a Captain Wetbeard or Zed, the boy with a third arm.

Tintin and the ill-read teacher

Most schools are great but every now and again you come across one that just seems bemused by the whole idea of authors and books. At one school this week, the younger kids really struggled to think of a fairy story that we could twist together. Even when I pointed to the girl dressed as a Disney Princess for the book parade I still got blank faces. It may have been to do with the kindy teacher who was so scary she even cowed me into silence. Going by her reaction, not sitting on your bottom is an offence akin to slapping a teacher. 

Perhaps the kids’ lack of imagination may have had something to do with her. She got the kids to say what costumes they were in with the delightful words ‘and who are you meant to be?’ One boy had really made an effort, he had eschewed the bought superhero costume and actually chosen a book character. ‘Tintin’ he answered. She simply shook her head, said ‘don’t know that one’ and moved on before I could shout ‘I do’.  I made a comment in my talk about how good his costume was, but I wish now I’d made a bigger deal of it. I remembered those times when I had my efforts dismissed so quickly at school. It would have been good to know that someone appreciated them, even if the teacher didn’t.

Fortunately there are plenty of moments that make up for ones like that.  There was the boy who kept asking Harry Potter questions regardlesss of the context.

Bruno: Who can think of a well known fairy story?

Boy: Harry Potter

Bruno: What would you do if you had a third arm?

Boy: Harry Potter

Bruno: Does anyone have any questions?

Boy: How many Harry Potter books are there?

Eventually the teacher had to explain that I hadn’t written those books (IF ONLY!). 

At another school a girl asked a question to which there is no satisfactory answer: 

‘How do you make your books small?”

A model student

After talking about Lab Rats, I always ask the boys what they would do if they woke up as a girl (and vice versa). In the fun schools the boys come up with ideas other than ‘kill myself’. This week, some would try make up, many would check out the girls toilets and in Menai one brilliant boy would become a contestant on America’s Next Top Model. Loves it!

Shock Triumph at Children’s Book Week Awards

It’s the Children’s Book Council of Australia children’s book week.  At 63 years the event is, apparently, the longest running children’s festival in Australia. I think we can safely expand that to ‘in the Southern Hemisphere’ until NZ or Argentina complains. Each year the week kicks off with a lunch at the South Steyne, a ship permanently moored at Darling Harbour with a dubious line in sausage-based catering.

It’s a chance for local primary school children to meet authors, decorate their tables and, more importantly, get out of school for a few hours. I was seated with a fun bunch of boys from Shore Prep School. I always seem to get the private boys schools - must be that refined charm I exude. At the lunch they also announce the winner of the various Children’s Book Council Awards. 

Was this my chance to finally win an award? 

The chances were slim. I wasn’t aware if had even been nominated, but that could have just been ABC Books being slack. In the end, like an Australian male swimmer at the Olympics I did a PB  and came my closest yet to winning a Children’s Book award. My table took out the coveted third prize in the table decoration competition. I’d like to think I played a vital role in this near win, but sadly my main contribution was knocking a glass of coke over and soaking half the table along with the paper hat the boys had made for me. In my defence the boat slopes horribly at the edges so it’s like eating on the side of a steep hill.

Authors v Illustrators - it’s war!

Book awards and decorated tables aside, the real competition at this lunch is between illustrators and and word-based authors such as myself. It can be humiliating for non-drawers. Last year just before Sydney Writers Festival I was asked to participate in children’s events. It was obvious that I was a ring in after someone else dropped out but organisers rubbed it in by telling me they normally ‘preferred’ authors who were illustrators because they were more entertaining. Thanks!

Today there was an illustrator at my table, Mathew, a nice guy who took an early lead in the ‘coolest guest at the table’ competition because he could do drawings for the boys and show a T shirt he’d designed. However at the right moment I wheeled out the big gun:

‘I need a photo for blog, everyone gather round.’ 

Then I pulled out my new 3G Iphone and waited for the chorus of delight. Going in for the kill, I let them take photos with it. Just when the illustrator was recovering from that blow I delivered the knockout:

‘Why don’t you all email it to yourselves?’

More coos of joy as they all punched in their email addresses into the Iphone and mailed the picture off to themselves. 

‘You must be really rich,’ said one boy.

‘No, I’m just on a good plan.’

Victory secured.

This was a rare triumph for my species. Normally at this event it’s illustrators all the way. Part of the proceedings is a chance for the kids to go around and collect autographs. Of course those damn illustrators whip out a felt pen and draw something fantastic. The drawing process has the added benefit of taking time which then creates a queue, making them look extremely popular and drawing more children to them.

When I looked at the autograph books as they came to me, I felt like slapping the authors that had just done their scribbled name. Cowardice under fire. I did my best to compete to the bitter end, chatting to each child, asking their name and writing a unique sentence for each one. This did extend my queue quite nicely and brought a smile to some kids faces too, but still it was not nearly as cool as a drawing. 

700% increase in sales

There’s also a bookshop at the event. This year’s crowd seemed far more receptive to my books than last year. At the 2007 gig only one copy of my books was sold: the teacher on my table obviously felt sorry for me and ducked out to buy Lab Rats. This year I’m pleased to report that unprompted by sad puppy dog looks from me, 7 copies of my books were sold - an exponential increase which could be the start of ‘sleeper hit’ status.

Setting out my stall

Yesterday was a big day in touting for business. My first appointment was with ABC Kids about the ‘way forward’. I requested a get together and Belinda (the publisher) and Mark (senior editor) fortunately agreed. In the last episode I’d had feedback from Mark on the Lab Rats sequel which wasn’t very positive, well actually it was simply negative. He wanted me to put it aside and do something else. I loathed the idea of casting the Lab Rats off altogether, so I had to decide what to do next. This meeting was me being ‘proactive’ about it all. (It’s hard not to associate that word with food marketing speak - I was like a live yoghurt culture in the intestines of my literary future.)

Coffee at the ABC Ultimo is always an interesting experience. It’s a fascinating world of bizarre rules and regulations, even down to the cafe. If you order a coffee you get a little biscuit with it, but if you order a tea you don’t. Only coffee drinkers deserve free biscuits. I’m sure there’ll be a written policy on it somewhere in the bowels of the Ultimo centre.

I decided that the best thing for Lab Rats was to put the second book aside for now. In terms of releasing a follow up to the first one we’ve missed the boat. It would almost be two years after the first one. Kids books are like clothes, they grow out of them quickly. Sequels need to come out within a year for the same kids to read them. I suggested that I still work on Lab Rats 2, but in a couple of years we look at re-releasing  them together with new covers. Belinda and Mark liked that idea (I suspect they hope I’ll simply forget about it - I won’t).

I then whipped out a synopsis of a new book, Little Green Pills and pitched it to them. It’s kind of a Stepford Wives in school with fun, mystery, adventure and life lessons. The idea initially came quickly, before I went overseas. I let it stew on the back burner while overseas and then after I set up this meeting, the synopsis and main characters tumbled out almost without me thinking about it.

Is that good? 

Should it be that simple? Does it mean it’s flowed naturally or am I just not trying? I think it's the former as the pitch went well. Not that you can tell from this picture. The idea was to have alternating images, one of them looking bored and critical, the other looking absolutely delighted. Unfortunately the battery ran out after the bored shot. 

Down to business

Anyway they now want a sample chapter so Belinda can put together a business case. It’s amazing how horridly business like you can be over something that’s meant to be highly creative:

Belinda: How long do you think it will be?

Bruno: How long do you want it to be?

Belinda: 30 000 max.

Bruno: Done

Belinda: We’ll have to change the title or someone will sue us

Bruno: Fine

I had originally thought of it being for 8-10 year olds, but they both thought the concept and my writing are best suited to 10-12. Ping! A wave of the magic target market wand it’s no longer about boys in the last year of primary school but now in the first year of high school. It does change the nature of the book but I love that, and I’m looking forward to where that takes the characters.

Costings are now underway. I am NOT excited. Nothing is certain until contracts are signed. Excitement is scheduled for that day after that.

Where the real money is

In the afternoon I had a presentation of credentials with an ad agency. It went well, they already had six radio ad scripts they want me to work on for gardening products (Hoorah, not debentures!). However it’s sobering to realise those scripts (which will be finished next week) will probably earn me more money than Little Green Pills (which will be finished by January)... Unless of course LGP is a huge hit and Disney decide to turn it into musical with the Jonas Brothers. At this point I should really dash to the mirror and repeat  6 times aloud that I am open to the universe making this happen.

Grown up bits

On the grown up side of things I’m still waiting to hear back from the editor at Allen and Unwin with her feedback. The plan was to wait to hear what she says before going back to Selma, the agent I spoke to in June. However being impatient, I’m thinking I can’t wait and want to call Selma now. Mark, the editor at the ABC is also an author and Selma is his agent. 

Apparently I have to be prepared to like farting chihuahuas if I want to impress.